Once Upon a time...

Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to be a mommy. I spent hours taking care of my Cabbage Patch dolls, lovingly placing them into laundry baskets I had stolen from the garage. I placed their blankets (which my mother had stitched their names into, like a real baby blanket) into the basket and placed it on top of my bed. I "fed" them and loved them like they were real.

When my 1st nephew was born, I was astatic. He and my sister spent many nights here, while his father worked night shifts. I was always the first one who wanted to feed him, change his diaper, hold him, play with him and all of the other joys that being around a baby brings. I would confidently tell people how he liked to be held and how to fed him his bottle.

As my teenage years started, having a baby or rather wanting a baby, left me (thank goodness).  I had boyfriend after boyfriend and lived life as I pleased. As I graduated high school there were many relationships that had been left in bad terms, bad tastes left in others mouths about how we ended. I moved on, always looking for the "right" relationship. The boys in high-school and then men out of high school I dated were all wrong. They were to short, to tall, lived to far, lived to close, had a baby, didn't want kids, didn't have a job or worked to much. I had started to think it was me, what was it within me that pushed these relationships away. What was I looking for that I had yet to find?

and then I met her...

C took me by storm. Not knowing she even existed before the moment I met her. At the time I lived with her step brother ( whom is gay and at the time we got along great.) I had not yet admitted to my self I liked girls, I thought it was a phase I would get through).

"Im going to bring my sister over" M ( C's step brother) told me
     "You have a sister?" I asked back, in amazement
"Yea, she just moved back from L.A"
     At this point I admitted I didn't really want to mean anyone new, but agreed to have him bring her over.
I walked outside as M pulled up the house in his blue Jetta. He got out first and then C. I shook her hand and began to talk to M about going to Starbucks. We took my car, my small Saturn Ion that caused to much work to get into the back seat. The boy I was dating had been going along with us, but couldn't stay long. I was thrilled that as he left, he kissed me, not for the first time but he kissed me. Im still unsure to this day if C felt anything as she saw me kiss him because she has said that the car ride to Starbucks, she watched me drive.

We got our drinks and sat on the patio, in the warm night and I watched her from across the table. She made me smile, the smirk on her face made me giddy and excited.

The next few weeks we saw each other, kissed, made out and fell in love. In the early days of our relationship, C lived with her grandparents. I would pick her up on Friday after we were both out of work and we would spent the weekend with each other, enjoying each other and not wanting Sunday to come, but it came as it always did. We would pack up our weekend and drive to drop her off.  I would hold her hand tight, wishing she could stay. It never failed that as I left her, I cried. I was falling in love with her and wanted to badly to stay with her. Thankfully the time came where we moved in together...

I was with her always and talk began of getting married and having a baby. I was amazed at how much and how hard I had fallen in love with her and loved every minute of it....

After getting married we began to talk about having a baby. We played with the idea and talked, talked and talked some more. We knew that I was not just going to get pregnant like may other couples, we knew that if we wanted this, we had to work for it. So we decided, we would start trying for a baby....

Months after talking about donors, sperm count, blood tests, medicine and mood swings, the want or need to be a mommy has returned. The first month we had our IUI, I prayed every night, not so much to be pregnant but to have an easy road with no major complications. I so badly wanted to not only have a baby but to make C a mommy. She is amazing with children and deserves one of her own.

So when the first Beta results came back negative, I felt like I had failed her. I am her only hope of being a mommy and I had let her down.

What I feel for C, is unlike anything I have ever felt. It is a complete relationship with no voids, what if's or buts. Im no longer looking for something better because I have found the something I looked for for years. Just because she is not a Knight in shinning armor, doesn't mean she didn't save me.